ZelgadisChan in Wonderland
by Klitch
Summary: Zel wakes up to find himself in a strange land...and, more importantly, wearing a dress.
1. Default Chapter Title

Zelgadis-chan in Wonderland  
  
Disclaimer: Slayers (and Zel-chan) are owned by Software Sculptors and other people. 'Alice in  
Wonderland' is by Lewis Carroll and also does not belong to me.  
  
Author's Notes: Um....this story's kinda weird, and not what I usyally write. But I was bored,  
and it's fun to put Zelgadis in a dress (looks around to make sure Zel didn't hear that.) This   
fic is rated PG-13 as Zel is a very foul-mouthed little girl ^_^ Anyway, enjoy!  
  
  
Chapter 1 : Daisy Chains OR Zelgadis Gets His Dress Dirty  
  
  
When Zelgadis woke up, he knew there was something wrong. For one thing, he  
was lying in the grass in a field when he should have been asleep in a soft bed at an inn.  
Second, sitting next to him was a well-endowed woman with purple hair over her eyes,  
wearing a waitress uniform and reading a book. Third, and most unsettling of all,  
Zelgadis found that he was wearing a dress. A blue dress with a white apron, high white  
socks and black Mary Janes, to be exact. Plus a black bow tied in his hair, with a knot that  
seemed to be stronger than steel, as Zelgadis found that he couldn't untie it.  
  
"Where the hell am I?" the chimera demanded, leaping to his feet and looking  
around for whoever might have dared to put him in a dress. The girl next to him glanced  
up at him--or at least, Zel thought she glanced at him, he couldn't see her eyes so he  
really couldn't be sure. At any rate, she put a finger in her book to mark her place and  
turned her face to him.  
  
"Zelgadis-chan," she said in a very stern voice, "sit down and stop shouting. It's  
not ladylike."  
  
"I'm not a lady!" Zel sputtered angrily.  
  
"Yes, yes, I know, you're only a girl," laughed his companion. "Now, why don't  
you go make a daisy chain and stop pestering onee-chan?"  
  
Zel's mouth dropped open. While he was taking this new information in, and  
pondering the entertainment value of daisy chains, a golden blur hopped by him. Zel  
turned to look at it, and his mouth dropped open even more. A few flies even managed to  
fly in and be swallowed before he could close it.  
  
A little golden rabbit was standing a few feet away. It wore a white priestess outfit  
and had a long, lizard-like tail with a ribbon around it. The strangest part, though, was  
that its face was unmistakably Filia's. She pulled a large golden watch out from under her  
skirts, where her mace would usually be.  
  
"Oh dear!" the Filia rabbit cried. "I'm late for the Queen's croquet match! How  
awful! I'm in such trouble! Oh dear!"  
  
As Zelgadis watched in growing confusion, she pulled a tea set out from  
somewhere, he had no idea where, and made herself a cup of tea. Somehow, a plate full  
of those little tea cookies appeared as well.  
  
"Um, excuse me?" Zelgadis took a step towards her.  
  
The gold rabbit looked up at him, then pulled her watch out again.  
  
"I'm late!" she moaned, and stuffed the half-full cup of tea in his face. "Hold this,  
please. Thank you." She dashed off.  
  
"Wait a minute!" Zelgadis ran after her. He was nearly within an arm's length of  
the rabbit when she darted down an oddly oversized rabbit hole.  
  
Zelgadis walked over to the edge of the rabbit hole and glanced down it.  
  
"This is a rabbit hole?" he muttered, sweatdropping. It was large enough that Filia  
could have gone in as a dragon and had room to spare.   
  
Then came the dilemma: should he follow after Filia and end up who-knows-   
where, or remain in the field where it was obviously perfectly safe? Zelgadis glanced  
back at his 'sister,' then at the hole. He shrugged. It was this or daisy chains.  
  
"Raywi--" A book sailed through the air and hit him in the head. As Zelgadis   
toppled down the rabbit hole, he heard the other girl yell,  
  
"Zel-chan! Stop playing with the rabbits! You'll get your dress dirty!"  
  
  
  
Chapter 2: Drinking Makes You Low, Eating Makes You High  
  
  
Zelgadis fell. And fell. Then, for a nice change of pace, fell some more. He fell so  
much that he got bored halfway through and calmly finished up the tea that Filia had  
given him.  
  
"This is the longest rabbit hole I've ever seen," he muttered. "I just know someone  
somewhere is having a good laugh at this, and when I find them, I'm going to kill them."  
  
He was entertaining thoughts of what he would do to said person, and was in the  
process of mapping out a very bloody and painful execution involving a sword and  
playing cards when he began to fall faster. Which might have been a nice change, except  
that his dress kept billowing up and he had to work to keep his skirt down. Which became  
hideously annoying as it reminded him that, yes, he was in a dress, and yes, he did look  
rather feminine.  
  
"But not enough that you could mistake me for a girl," he said in wounded tones  
to no one in particular. Zelgadis was so busy keeping his skirt from flying up that he  
didn't see the ground approaching until he landed right on a soft feathery pillow. And, as  
always happens when one lands on a soft, feathery pillow, feathers blew everywhere and  
obscured everything. There were so many feathers flying about, it was like a farmer  
chasing his chickens through a tornado. Zelgadis had never seen a farmer do this, though,  
so he missed the colorful simile. Instead, he began to sneeze. He wasn't allergic to  
chicken feathers, it was simply that people always sneezed when feathers blew  
everywhere and he didn't want to offend the stereotype.  
  
The feathers flew around for a while more, played tag with each other, and  
generally had a nice spring formal before becoming bored and returning into the pillow  
from whence they came. Zelgadis quite politely stood up to allow them easier access to  
their pillow, and, as the last feathers floated back inside, the chimera was at last able to  
see where he had landed.  
  
It was a room. A very dull room, too, with doors of all shapes and sizes  
everywhere, but nothing else. Not even some nice floral wallpaper to brighten things up.  
In the middle of the room was a glass table, and on the table were all sorts of different  
keys. Curious, and eager to get out of the room and find some decent (and manly) clothes,  
Zelgadis began to sift through the keys.  
  
Unfortunately, it seemed that someone had placed the keys on the table simply to  
annoy Zelgadis, since almost none of them were the right size to fit any of the doors.  
Those that were the right size were naturally the wrong shape. Zelgadis finally found one  
working key, though, of course, it was the key to the smallest door in the room. He had to  
crouch down to unlock the door, which made Zelgadis very nervous because he was  
afraid someone might be able to see up his skirt. As he opened the tiny door, he reflected  
that, should anyone look up his skirt, if it was a man he would have to use a non-   
destructive spell so he could steal the pervert's clothes. That decided, he opened the   
little door and peered inside.  
  
There was a tiny garden on the other side of the door. It looked like the perfect  
breeding ground for hay fever, but Zelgadis figured that it was that or stay in the room.  
But he was far too large to enter the room, and he didn't know any spells which would  
shrink himself. He leaned against the table and considered the prospects of simply  
blowing the wall to all hell with some incredibly destructive spell. That was when his  
elbow bumped a little glass bottle, sending it tumbling over the edge of the table. The  
chimera caught the bottle and took a look at the label. He briefly reflected on how those  
last two sentences rhymed, then turned his attention back to the bottle.  
  
"Drink me," he read aloud, for the benefit of the audience. "Hmm. Maybe it's  
poison." He opened the bottle and sniffed the contents. It smelled like cherry cough syrup,  
which, he decided, meant that it was probably poison. Though the bottle was asking him  
to drink it...  
  
"Hmmph," Zelgadis snorted. "Like I would be stupid enough to listen to a bottle."  
  
"Oh, so you're too good for me, is that it?" To Zel's immense surprise, the bottle  
began to rant in a high-pitched, slightly nasal voice. "You think just because you're such  
a pretty little girl you don't need to listen to the ugly old bottle, is that it?"  
  
"I am a man," Zel growled, trying to figure out how exactly one would strangle a  
bottle.  
  
"Sure you are. Listen, babe, I know a girl when I see one," the bottle said. It added  
sadly, "You know, most little girls are sweet and trusting and listen when the bottle says  
'drink me.' They don't sit and whine 'No, no, I mustn't listen to the bottle! The bottle is  
eeeeevil!' But you just want to be contrary, don't you?"  
  
"I don't think--" Zelgadis began, but the bottle interrupted him.  
  
"You're not supposed to think! You're supposed to follow orders! Now, down the  
hatch!" The bottle leaped up and swiftly poured some of its contents into the chimera's  
open mouth. Zelgadis coughed and sputtered, and the next thing he knew, he was three  
inches tall and the bottle was humming smugly next to him, at least twice his size.  
  
"What was that for?!" the chimera demanded angrily, stamping his Mary Jane  
clad feet, his face turned up in the cutest little petulant pout you ever saw.  
  
"Now you can go through the door," the bottle told him, sighing happily. "Get  
going, toots."  
  
Zelgadis started grumbling under his breath, but he headed towards the door  
anyway, only to find that it was locked again.  
  
"Now where'd I put that damn key?" the chimera muttered.  
  
"It's back up on the table," the bottle said helpfully. "And little girls shouldn't  
swear."  
  
Zelgadis had given up on correcting the bottle about his gender anymore, as he  
was feeling rather ridiculous talking to a bottle. Instead, he glanced up at the glass table,  
now far out of his reach, and, sure enough, there was the key atop it.  
  
"This shouldn't be too hard," Zelgadis said. "Raywing!"  
  
"Hold it!" Zelgadis had barely jumped into the air when the bottle came crashing  
down on top of him, pinning him to the floor.  
  
"What are you doing? Let me up!" the chimera demanded, trying to get to his feet   
under the bottle's weight.  
  
"You can't fly up there!" the bottle complained. "You're doing this all wrong.  
You need to eat the cake to get up there." It gestured with its neck towards a plate of cake  
just within arm's reach of Zelgadis. A sign in front of the cake said 'Eat Me.' Zelgadis  
took a moment to reel from the thin sexual innuendo, then glanced back up at the bottle.  
  
"Why do I have to eat the stupid cake? Get off me!" He struggled to get up, but  
the bottle had him pinned.  
  
"Not until you eat the cake," the bottle stated petulantly.  
  
"I'll give you something to eat," Zel hissed. "Fireball!"  
  
The bottle very calmly craned its neck and poured some of its contents over the  
fireball, which was extinguished immediately.  
  
"Eat the cake," it said in dangerous tones.  
  
"All right, all right! I'm eating." Scowling disagreeably, Zelgadis grabbed a  
handful of cake and started eating. No sooner had he swallowed the cake, which tasted  
like sawdust with frosting, then he found himself growing. And growing. And growing  
until he was at least ten feet tall.  
  
"How is this better than the way I was?" Zelgadis asked the bottle, which had  
hitched a ride on his shoulder while he was growing. "Now I can't get in the damn door!"  
  
"So you'll have to drink me again," the bottle said blissfully. "Then you'll have  
forgotten the key again, of course, so you'll have to grow again, and soon you'll get  
dreadfully frustrated and start crying."  
  
"I doubt it," Zelgadis said with a feral smile. "I'd had enough of this. I'm blasting  
through that wall and no bottle is going to stop me. Ahem. Fire--"  
  
"Sam! Sprinklers, now!" the bottle cried. Immediately, water began to pour from  
the invisible roof. Zelgadis glanced upwards and wondered where they had installed the  
sprinkler system.  
  
After a few minutes of sprinkling, the water stopped and Zelgadis found himself  
up to his ankles in water. Worse, his dress was sopping wet and his bow was flopping to  
one side. He glared at the bottle on his shoulder.  
  
"You damn stupid bottle! I don't know if there is a way to kill you, but if there is,  
I'm going to find it!" the chimera swore. "I'm going to break you into little--ulp!"  
Zelgadis never got to tell the bottle what he would break it into, because it took that  
moment of ranting to pour the rest of its contents down his throat. The chimera dropped  
the bottle as he shrunk to about two feet tall and found himself in the middle of a small  
lake.  
  
Naturally, he sank like a stone in a dress, which is pretty much what he was.  
  
  
Next chapter, Zel talks to more bottles and tries to get the water stains out of his dress.   
The author looks into installing a sprinkler system to be used when Zel finds out what she  
did to him in this part. 


	2. Part Two

Zel-Chan in Wonderland, Part Two  
  
Disclaimer: No one belongs to me (except maybe the talking bottles). There, that was quick.  
  
Author's Notes: Oog, hope this works. Stupid chaptering thing...  
  
  
  
Chapter 3: Drinking Too Much is Undesirable in Young Ladies  
  
  
Zelgadis was soon hauled, coughing and wheezing, to the shore, carried there by  
the helpful bottle, which hopped up on the shore next to him and attempted to dry his face  
with some leaves. How it found shore and leaves, not to mention hands with which to  
hold the leaves, remained a mystery.  
  
"Well, that was helpful," Zel said in tones of scathing sarcasm, all the while   
glaring at the bottle and feeling like an idiot for yelling at what should have been an   
inanimate object.  
  
"I beg your pardon," said the bottle in hurt tones. "I just saved your life."  
  
"And you were the one who made the blasted lake!" Zelgadis replied. "You  
bastard!"  
  
"I assure you, I'm a perfectly legitimate bottle," it sniffed, sounding upset. "My  
mother and father were married for several years before I was delivered by one of the  
most respectable doctors in the county. Really! To call me a bastard! What a remarkably  
rude little girl you are."  
  
Zelgadis sighed and rolled his eyes. He was starting to get a headache and, as  
always seemed to happen when he got a headache, he thought that he would feel much  
better if he killed something. Unfortunately, the only thing in the immediate vicinity was  
the bottle, and he wasn't quite sure how to kill it.  
  
He was still trying to think of how one really kills a bottle when the Filia rabbit  
hopped past him.  
  
"Mary Ann!" she scolded the amazed chimera. "What are you doing, you lazy  
girl! Get back to the house and get me another teacup; I've lost mine! Oh, the Duchess  
will be so angry with me! Hurry, Mary Ann!"  
  
Zelgadis opened his mouth to correct her when the bottle nudged him away.  
  
"Go to her house," it advised. "If you get her teacup, she might tell you how to get  
somewhere you want to be."  
  
Zelgadis considered this and, as he had no better alternatives, decided to take the  
bottle's advice, which a rather strange thing when you think about it, but Zelgadis was in  
no position to find it odd. He dutifully headed off in the direction the bottle had pointed  
him in, belatedly remembering that he should have informed the rabbit that he was not a  
girl.  
  
The Filia rabbit's house was a nice, tidy sort of house, exactly the sort of thing  
Zelgadis would imagine her having. The inside was just as neat and tidy as he expected,  
though he didn't really explore it. He just wanted to get Filia her teacup and find a way  
home (and a tailor shop might be nice too) before anyone else mistook him for a girl.  
  
He was just taking a teacup from off one of the shelves in the kitchen when he  
nearly knocked something off a stool near the looking glass. Catching the item, Zelgadis  
saw, much to his dismay, that it was another bottle.  
  
"But it doesn't say 'Drink Me'," Zelgadis told himself, ignoring for the time being  
the fact that talking to oneself was considered by some a sign of insanity. "So it shouldn't  
care if I drink it or not."  
  
"I should so!" the bottle screeched in a voice a lot like the cawing of a crow. "It  
would be rude of you not to drink me!"  
  
"Do you think I care?" Zelgadis growled, slamming the bottle back down on the  
table as hard as he could. "I'm sick of listening to stupid bottles telling me what a rude  
little girl I am--and I'm not a girl, so don't say anything about it!"  
  
He had planned to stalk off with that as his final point, but the bottle would not be  
deterred.  
  
"Why don't you want to drink me?" it moaned. "I'm a perfectly good bottle. My  
brother, now, he's not much of a bottle. Doesn't even have a shiny stopper like mine." As  
if to show off said stopper, the bottle pushed out its own stopper to show Zelgadis.  
  
"Again, I don't care," Zel replied, crossing his arms. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm   
leaving."  
  
"You can't leave!" the bottle moaned. "Oh, please don't leave! If you leave  
without drinking me, my parents will think I'm a failure as a bottle and it will be all your  
fault!"  
  
"Shut up! You're making my ears hurt," Zelgadis grumbled. "Besides, I'm  
absolutely certain that, if I drink you, something strange will happen that I probably don't  
want to happen. I'm trying to avoid any more unpleasantness, thank you very much."  
  
"Nothing strange will happen if you drink me, I promise!" the bottle hastened to  
assure. "Please drink me!"  
  
"I said no," Zelgadis said, crossing his arms.  
  
"Pretty please?"  
  
"Still no."  
  
"I'll be your best friend."  
  
"Yes, that's sure to make me drink you," Zelgadis muttered sarcastically. "What  
do you take me for, an idi--mmf!" This last came as the bottle rather aggressively  
launched itself at the chimera, sticking itself between his lips and forcing him to drink.  
Zelgadis, having swallowed enough strange things for one day, pulled the bottle out of his  
mouth and, with a strange type of glee, smashed the thing against a wall.  
  
"You've killed me!" the bottle moaned, lying in shards on the ground. "Now,  
look, I'm dying! How upsetting! How could you? You're so mean! I hate you!"  
  
"Just die already!" Zelgadis complained. He might have said more, but at that  
moment he noticed that the room was seeming a little....cramped. In fact, the house was  
seeming a little cramped. Within a few moments, Zelgadis had grown too large to fit  
through the door, and, as his size increased, so did his temper. His temper only became  
worse when his head hit the roof and his bow flopped down over his eyes.  
  
"Bloody, idiotic talking bottle," he snarled, crossing his arms. " 'Nothing will  
happen,' my ass!"  
  
"Little girls shouldn't swear!" the remains of the bottle reminded him.  
  
"Oh, shut up. Fireball!" The last of the bottle was immediately incinerated, which  
didn't do anything to solve Zel's problem of being too large to move, but did make him  
feel considerably better.  
  
However, the problem remained. Zelgadis was now very large, and, from the  
noise outside, he suspected that the Filia rabbit had returned home and she and her  
servants were making quite a fuss.  
  
"There's an elbow stuck in my window. Why is there an elbow in my window?"  
Filia's voice demanded.  
  
"Maybe it's enjoying the scenery," suggested another voice.  
  
"It's a rather pretty elbow, don't you think?" a third voice said. "Small and  
feminine. If you have to have an elbow in the window, that's the elbow I'd want in mine."  
  
"Well, I want it removed!" Filia stated.   
  
"But we can't get inside, Filia-sama!" complained the second voice. "The door's  
stuck and the window...well, there's the elbow."  
  
"Then try the chimney!" Filia decided. "Milgasia, you try the chimney."  
  
"Yes, ma'am," said the third voice. In moments, Zelgadis heard a scrambling   
noise near the chimney. The chimera looked at the chimney, then at its relationship to  
himself. Filia's servant would come down right in the perfect place to see underneath his  
dress.  
  
"Oh no you don't, you pervert," muttered Zelgadis, blushing slightly. He waited  
until he heard the sounds of Milgasia heading down the chimney, then aimed his foot and  
kicked.  
  
There was a whooshing noise and the sound of flapping wings.  
  
"The chimney just vomited me out!" Milgasia complained. "D'you think it might  
be sick?"  
  
"That should keep them out for a while," Zel sighed. "Now, how to get out of  
here?"   
  
His (far too large) eyes scanned the room and fell upon a silver platter full of  
small bits of cake.  
  
"The cake reversed the bottle's effect last time," he murmured, thinking out loud.  
"So maybe it'll do the same this time. Or it'll make me big enough that I break the house  
in two, either or."  
  
Deciding that either way was still better than being stuck, Zelgadis reached over  
and grabbed a bit of cake, which he swiftly devoured. Soon he was shrinking again but, as  
his luck wasn't exactly the best in the world, he shrunk far too much and was soon only  
three inches tall.  
  
"Well, it's better than nothing," he decided. Destroying a few pieces of furniture  
just for the hell of it, the chimera exited the house. The Filia rabbit stood outside, and  
with her were several chibi black and gold dragons. The moment they saw him, they all  
began to point and murmur.  
  
" 'Tis a little girl!" Milgasia, a tiny black dragon, stated. He was hovering in the  
air above the others. "My, she's awfully cute, isn't she?"  
  
Murmurs of "Oh, indeed," and "She is a pretty little thing," filled the air.  
Zelgadis's temper hit the breaking point and snapped like a twig.  
  
"Screw you," he growled and raised a hand. "Flare arrow!"  
  
While Filia and the dragons were busy being charred by the spell, Zelgadis calmly  
walked off into the woods.  
  
  
Chapter 4: Even Caterpillars Can be Well-Endowed   
  
  
Zelgadis wandered aimlessly through the woods for at least a good five minutes  
before he found any sign of life. Unfortunately, that sign of life came as an incredibly  
annoying laugh.  
  
"Ohohohohohoho! Ohohohohoho!"  
  
The chimera peered into a clearing, where he beheld one of the strangest sights yet  
and, when one considers the things he had been seeing lately, that's saying something. In  
the middle of the clearing was a large pink mushroom, and, atop the mushroom, was a  
white caterpillar with a woman's face, black hair, and enormous....tracks of land. Zelgadis  
could feel himself blushing. Against his better judgment, he approached the laughing  
caterpillar.   
  
"What's so funny?" he asked.  
  
"Nothing," the caterpillar replied. "Ohohohohoho! I just feel like laughing!"  
  
"Isn't that nice for you," Zel muttered under his breath. Louder, he said, "Could  
you tell me how to get out of here?"  
  
"No!" laughed the caterpillar. "Who are you anyway, you flat-chested little girl?  
Ohohohoho!"  
  
"I'm not a girl!" Zelgadis growled, though his hands went up to his chest anyway.  
"And I'm supposed to be flat-chested because I'm a boy," he added defensively. "Why do  
you care who I am? Who are you?"  
  
"I am Naga, the White Caterpillar!" the caterpillar said, striking a pose that  
made...certain parts of her anatomy bounce up and down. Zelgadis found himself having  
to work to keep his composure in the face of all that cleavage. "Now, little flat-chested  
girl, who are you?"  
  
"My name is Zelgadis, and I am not a girl!" Zelgadis practically screeched. Then  
he remembered that only girls screech and clapped a hand over his mouth.  
  
"You look like a girl," Naga told him and started to laugh some more.  
  
Zelgadis let her laugh for about three seconds before he couldn't stand it anymore.  
  
"I don't suppose you could tell me how to get out of here?" he asked. "And maybe  
how to grow, as well?"  
  
"You would need to grow, wouldn't you?" Naga said, giving him a smug look.  
"Your chest is flat as a board. If you didn't look so feminine, I'd swear you were a boy!  
Ohohohoho!"  
  
"I am a--never mind." Zelgadis sweatdropped and wondered if he had any spells  
which he could use on the caterpillar that would leave her still capable of speech. Having  
no better ideas, he simply clobbered her over the head with his sweatdrop. Unfortunately  
it was a rather large sweatdrop, so it knocked her out and Zelgadis had to wait a few  
minutes before she came to again.  
  
"Oog...where am I?" Her eyes found the scowling Zelgadis. "Oh, are you still  
here?"  
  
"Yes, I'm still here," Zelgadis said. Naga started to say something, but Zelgadis  
cut her off. "And if you say one word--just one word--about my chest, you're dead, got  
it?"  
  
"Hmmph." Naga sniffed, turning her head away from him. "Well, if you're going  
to be rude, I'm leaving!" She climbed off the mushroom and began to stalk off.  
  
"Wait a minute!" Zelgadis called after her. "You never answered my questions!"  
  
"One side makes you shrink, one side makes you grow," Naga replied, waving a  
hand at him. "Of the mushroom, I mean. Goodbye, little flat-chested one! Know that you  
are still no match for Naga, the White Caterpillar! Ohohohoho!" With that, she was gone,  
which Zelgadis didn't consider any great loss. He turned his attention to the mushroom.  
  
"What is it with these people and eating things?" he muttered, staring at it. "Well,  
I guess I have no choice." He broke off a piece from each side of the mushroom and took  
a bite of one.  
  
Immediately he found his chin hitting his feet. The chimera sighed yet again and  
felt another headache coming on.  
  
"Why the hell can't anything I eat around here act normal?" he grumbled, and  
took a bite from the other piece of mushroom.  
  
Zelgadis's head shot up almost immediately. Then it shot up higher and higher   
until he resembled a giant stone giraffe. A really really reeeeally angry stone giraffe.  
  
"When I get to be my right size, I'm going to find that caterpillar and squish her,"  
he vowed, snaking his neck downwards in hopes of taking another bite from the  
mushroom and getting back to a more reasonable size.  
  
"Serpent!" a voice screamed in his ear. And when you consider how good Zel's  
hearing was, someone screaming in his ear probably hurt a lot. The chimera turned his  
head to see a pigeon with the face of Hellmaster Phibrizzo flapping next to him.  
  
"I am not a serpent," Zel growled.  
  
"You look like a serpent," Phibrizzo stated. "Are you going to eat my eggs? Are  
you? Huh? Huh?" He sounded very enthused by the prospect.  
  
"I don't want your eggs," Zelgadis sighed.  
  
"Are you sure? They're reeeally good." Phibrizzo pointed with one wing to a dirty  
little nest in a nearby tree. Nestled in it were four little yellow balls. Zelgadis  
sweatdropped yet again.  
  
"There's no way in hell that I'm eating those," he swore.  
  
"Really? Darn." Phibrizzo shrugged. "Oh well. Bye bye, Ms. Serpent!" He flew  
off before Zelgadis could say a word about being male.  
  
Zel finally managed to get a bite of the mushroom. By alternating between sides,  
he managed to get himself down to a very respectable nine inches tall. When he tried to  
get any larger, nothing happened.  
  
"Stupid thing's probably broken," he decided. Just in case, he stuffed a few bits of  
mushroom into the newly discovered pockets in his dress and headed off in a random  
direction.  
  
As he walked, Zelgadis swore that, except for the mushroom bits in his pocket, he  
wasn't going to eat a single other thing in this screwy land unless he saw someone else  
eat it first.  
  
  
Next chapter, Zel learns the answer to that eternal question: What is a Cheshire Xellos? The   
author continues to try to figure out chaptering, though all attempts continue to be  
thwarted by her head cold.  



	3. Part Three

Zelgadis-Chan in Wonderland Part Three  
  
Disclaimer: Slayers and Alice in Wonderland belong to people who re not me. Suing  
me will only win you some M & M's and cotton balls.  
  
  
Chapter 5: The Cheshire Xellos  
  
  
Zelgadis hadn't walked very far when he came upon a rather nice-looking house.  
As he watched, a fishman emerged from the woods near him and walked up to the door,  
knocking politely. The door swung open, revealing another fishman.  
  
"Invitation from the Queen of Hearts to the Duchess for croquet," the first  
fishman said, handing the second one a rolled up letter.  
  
"Invitation for the Duchess from the Queen of Hearts for croquet," he said. The  
two fishmen bowed to each other, then the first one wandered off. The second fishman sat  
down on the front step of the house and closed the door behind him.  
  
Zelgadis, deciding that this seemed like a good opportunity to get some  
information, walked over to the fishman.  
  
"Who lives here?" he asked.   
  
"It's a lovely day," the fishman said, staring off into space and basically ignoring  
the chimera. "I will sit here all day and watch the clouds."  
  
"That's very nice," Zelgadis said sarcastically, crossing his arms. "Do you care if I   
go inside?"  
  
"You could knock on the door," the fishman suggested. "But I'm out here, so I   
won't hear you. If there was a door out here, then I'd hear you."  
  
"So I can just go in?" the chimera questioned.  
  
"I will sit out here and watch the clouds," the fishman said, ignoring him again.  
  
Had Zelgadis arrived at this house first thing, the fishman might have had a  
chance. But by this point in time, Zel was beyond annoyed and his legs were getting cold  
because of the dress. Therefore, he was pretty much out of patience.  
  
"Fireball!"  
  
The fishman really did smell quite nice cooked, and Zelgadis had to forcefully  
remind himself of his vow not to eat anything else. Giving the tasty morsel one last,  
longing look, the chimera opened the door and headed inside.  
  
The first thing he noticed was that the entire house was full of smoke. Almost  
immediately he began to cough, and began to wonder why whoever lived there hadn't  
died of emphysema. He stumbled through the smoke into the main room, where he could  
make out three forms.  
  
The first two were a woman and a baby. The woman, who, Zelgadis supposed,  
was the Duchess, had very long legs and was wearing high heels and a red dress. She  
carried a lit cigarette in one hand, and Zelgadis couldn't see her face due to the smoke.  
The baby was simply a shapeless bundle in her arms.  
  
The third figure was lounging aimlessly on the window, and Zelgadis had to  
squint to see its face. He was able to make out a pair of closed eyes...and a very familiar  
smile...  
  
"XELLOS!" Zelgadis dashed to the window and immediately started strangling  
the fruitcake. "This is all your fault, isn't it? What are you playing at? I am going to kill  
you, then have you brought back to life so I can kill you again!"  
  
"Please stop strangling the cat," the Duchess said calmly from behind him.  
  
"Cat?" The smoke cleared a bit, and Zelgadis could now see that, along with the  
annoying face and purple hair, was a pair of cat ears, and that he was not strangling a  
Mazoku, but, indeed, a purple striped cat.  
  
"What the--?" Zelgadis, now confused beyond belief, dropped the cat  
unceremoniously to the floor, where it began cleaning ash out of its fur. Zelgadis could  
have sworn it was laughing at him.  
  
"It's a Cheshire Xellos," the Duchess said. "Very rare. People like them because  
of the smile, you know. It's rather charming."  
  
"Maybe if you're insane," Zelgadis said, too low to be heard. He was still eyeing  
the Cheshire Xellos with suspicion and barely controlled anger.  
  
"Are you coming to croquet?" the Duchess asked him, taking another puff on her  
cigarette.   
  
"To what?" Zelgadis turned his attention away from the cat and back to its owner.  
  
"The croquet match being held by the Queen of Hearts," the Duchess clarified. "In  
fact, I have to go get changed. Hold this." She tossed the baby at Zelgadis, who by reflex  
caught it. The Duchess walked off, leaving tendrils of smoke in her wake.  
  
"What am I supposed to do with this?" Zel wondered aloud, looking at the bundle  
in his arms.  
  
"Run away with it and raise it using your maternal instincts?" suggested the cat.  
  
Zelgadis took a moment to demonstrate his obvious lack of said instincts as he   
tossed the baby into a chair and grabbed the cat by the scruff of its neck.  
  
"You talked!" he accused.  
  
"So did you !" the Cheshire Xellos exclaimed, sounding completely amazed.  
  
"Xellos," Zel hissed, "If this is some game you're playing..."  
  
"I like games," the cat said offhandedly. "What sort of game would you like to  
play? Chess? Candy Land? Mahjong?"  
  
"I don't trust you, fruitcake," the chimera said dangerously.  
  
"Why ever not?" the Cheshire Xellos asked. "We've never even met before.  
You're very rude. Don't you need to take care of that baby?" The cat gestured with his  
tail towards the wailing bundle on the chair.  
  
"I don't care about the baby!" Zelgadis snarled.  
  
"That's not very motherly," said the Cheshire Xellos, suddenly disappearing from  
Zel's hands and reappearing next to the baby. "Catch!" The cat launched the baby at Zel,  
who caught it once more.  
  
"Why do you want me to take the Duchess's baby, exactly?" Zel questioned.   
  
"Because it's the proper thing to do," the Cheshire Xellos replied, grinning wider.  
"It'll die of second hand smoke inhalation in this house. Ah, well. Toodles!" And the cat  
very slowly disappeared, starting with its tail and going up until only the disembodied  
grin remained.  
  
Zelgadis sighed, coughed, and exited the house with the baby in tow, more  
because he didn't want the thing thrown at him again than anything else. He was just  
about to enter the forest again when the bundle in his arms snarled and snapped at him.  
  
"What the hell?!" In surprise, Zelgadis dropped the baby. Immediately a full  
grown wolf crawled out of the blankets where the baby had been and sauntered off into  
the woods. Zelgadis stared after it, giant question marks floating in the sky above his  
head. He shooed them away in annoyance, as one kept trying to style his hair.  
  
Just a Zelgadis was shooing away the last of the question marks, the wind picked  
up and pulled on his skirt. A sudden chuckle from next to him made him start.  
  
"I never figured you for a flowered underwear sort of person," commented the  
Cheshire Xellos from his perch in a tree. Zelgadis's face reddened in embarrassment and  
anger, and he quickly got control of his skirt.  
  
"What are you doing here?" the chimera demanded.  
  
"Enjoying the pleasure of your company?" The Cheshire Xellos shrugged  
noncommittally.  
  
"I don't suppose you could give me some useful information?" Zelgadis  
grumbled. "Like how to get home, perhaps?"  
  
"Oh, I know how you can get home," the Cheshire Xellos said, nodding.  
  
"How?"  
  
"Well....that's a secret."   
  
"Grr....Fireball!" The Cheshire Xellos calmly teleported out of fireball and  
reappeared, smile first, in the air above Zel's head.  
  
"Did I say something wrong?" the cat asked in tones of perfect innocence.  
  
"I'm going to kill you," Zelgadis swore. "I'm going to kill you a lot. As much as  
possible."  
  
"I didn't do anything," whimpered the Cheshire Xellos. He floated down to Zel   
and patted the chimera's chin. "You should be nicer to strangers."  
  
"Shut up," Zelgadis said, and tried to catch the cat, who hovered back out of  
reach.  
  
"I can't tell you how to get home," the Cheshire Xellos said, "but if you'd like, I  
can tell you how to get to another house where you might get help."  
  
"Then tell me!" Zelgadis said.  
  
"What's the magic word?" the cat said, wagging a claw at him.  
  
"Fireball!" Another fireball just missed the floating cat.  
  
"No, that's not it," the Cheshire Xellos said. "Try again!"  
  
"Elmekia lance!" This spell finally hit, singing the cat's purple fur. Oddly, it  
didn't seem too upset about being fried.  
  
"No, not it either," the Cheshire Xellos said.  
  
"Please?" Zelgadis muttered through clenched teeth.  
  
"Bingo!" The cat began to clap. "Good job! Have some cake." He pulled some  
cake out of nowhere and dropped it into Zel's hand. The chimera jumped back as if  
burned and tossed the cake onto the ground.  
  
"Oh no! Not again!" he swore.  
  
"If you didn't want it, you shouldn't have dropped it," the Cheshire Xellos  
admonished. "Now, what was it I was going to tell you?"  
  
"Where I can get help," Zelgadis said in dangerous tones.  
  
"Oh yeah!" The cat waved a paw in one direction. "In that direction lives a Lina,  
and in that direction," it waved the other paw, "lives the March Gourry. They're both mad  
though."  
  
"A....mad Lina?" In Zel's mind, those two words in succession were synonymous  
with true fear. "Is there anyone nearby who's not mad?"  
  
"We're all mad here," the Cheshire Xellos told him. "I'm mad. You're mad."  
  
"If you were in a dress, you'd be mad too!" growled Zel.  
  
"But you look so pretty!" That statement only earned the Cheshire Xellos another  
fireball launched his way. The cat sighed and disappeared, leaving only his disembodied  
smile.  
  
Zelgadis took a moment to smooth out the wrinkles in his dress, then headed off  
in the direction of the March Gourry's house, deciding that even a jellyfish brain was  
better than a mad Lina. He had barely taken two steps when the Cheshire Xellos  
reappeared.  
  
"I forgot to ask," he said. "What happened to the baby?"  
  
"Turned into a wolf," Zel told him, looking pointedly away. "Like you didn't  
know."  
  
"Who me?" The Cheshire Xellos blinked his eyes innocently, then disappeared  
again. Zelgadis started walking once more, but this time he only got in one step before the  
Cheshire Xellos appeared again.  
  
"You did say wolf, right? Just to be sure," the cat said, licking a paw.  
  
"You know damn well what I said!" Zelgadis snapped.  
  
"You know, you're cute when you're angry," the Cheshire Xellos said, and   
planted a furry kiss right on Zel's lips. Zelgadis stood still for a moment in shock, then his   
eyes began to blaze.  
  
"You--you--" Zelgadis sputtered, too angry to think of something sufficiently dirty  
to call the cat. "Ra Tilt!"  
  
When the smoke cleared, a smile still floated in the air above him.  
  
"See you at the croquet match!" The Cheshire Xellos blew Zel a kiss and  
disappeared completely.  
  
Zelgadis stalked off in the direction of the March Gourry's house, all the while  
contemplating how many ways one could skin a cat.  
  
  
In case you couldn't see it coming, in the next chapter Zel attends a tea party and the  
rest of the cast makes an appearance (Lina: About time! I better get some lines next chapter  
or else!) 


	4. Part Four

Zelgadis-Chan in Wonderlamd  
  
Disclaimer: Insert your own witty disclaimer here.  
  
  
Chapter 6 : It's a Mad Mad World  
  
The house of the March Gourry was pretty much what Zel had expected. It looked  
like it had once been a barn, until someone painted it blue and began hammering boards  
over all the holes. In fact, it looked as if the March Gourry had done quite a bit of work  
around the house, though every single patch Zel saw was either too big, too small, or  
incredibly crooked. He was just about to knock on the oaken door when he heard sounds  
from the backyard. He circled around the house and found himself in the middle of a  
small garden. In the distance he could see a large banquet table and two small figures. As  
Zel got closer he made out a third figure standing on the edge of the table.  
  
At the head of the table, sitting in a high-backed red chair, was Lina. She was  
wearing a magenta dress suit with a magenta dress shirt, a large magenta top hat, and a  
gold watch. Next to Lina was the March Gourry, who was wearing a tattered blue vest,  
blue shirt, and blue pants. Atop his head were a pair of furry blond rabbit ears.   
  
As Zelgadis moved closer to the table he could make out, above the sounds of  
squabbling from Lina and the March Gourry, a high, squeaking voice. His eyes fixed onto  
a tiny figure at the head of the table. It was Amelia, with a pair of round mouse ears and a  
long mousy tail. She was ignoring her companions and giving justice speeches to the  
trees.  
  
"You block our sunlight, keeping us from enjoying the true beauty of the sun!  
Your leaves fall into our cups, ruining our wonderful tea! You trees are evil, and I, the  
DorAmelia, shall smite you with the Hammer of Justice!" The mouse posed, and  
Zelgadis sweatdropped.  
  
Meanwhile, Lina and the March Gourry were fighting a pitched battle at the head  
of the table.  
  
"That's my tea cookie! Give it back!"  
  
"But I saw it first!"  
  
"Mine mine mine mine mine!"  
  
"Um...excuse me?" Zelgadis ventured, sitting down near the March Gourry and  
tapping him on the shoulder. Immediately Lina and the March Gourry jumped to their feet  
and looked at him.  
  
"No room! No room!" they both cried at once.  
  
"You have seven empty seats," Zelgadis pointed out, sweatdropping again.  
  
"Hey, he's right, Lina!" the March Gourry said excitedly to his companion. "I  
didn't even know I had that many chairs!"  
  
"There's still no room," Lina sniffed. "We're almost out of tea cookies, and with   
her here...then again, she doesn't look like she eats much." Lina poked Zel in the chest.   
"Hah! Look at that! Her chest is flatter than mine!"  
  
"That's because I'm a boy," Zelgadis grumbled.  
  
"Sure you are," Lina said slyly. The DorAmelia suddenly turned on Zelgadis.  
  
"Masquerading as a boy! How unjust of you! Only a villain and a thief would do  
such a heinous act of crossdressing! I shall not forgive you!"  
  
While the DorAmelia ranted, the March Gourry tapped Zel on the shoulder and  
said in a very loud whisper,  
  
"I believe that you're a guy. No woman could have a chest flatter than Lina's."  
  
"I heard that!" Lina grabbed the March Gourry by the ears and dragged him back  
to his seat, where she proceeded to beat him senseless with a silver cake platter. The cake  
was still stuck to the platter, and after each strike to the March Gourry, Lina would take a  
bite of the cake. Meanwhile, the DorAmelia had found herself a pair of sugar tongs and  
was uselessly prodding Zel in the arm with them, still ranting about the evils of  
crossdressing. Zelgadis flicked her away with a silver teaspoon.  
  
Meanwhile, Lina had returned to her seat and was calmly sipping her tea. The  
March Gourry sat bandaged beside her, warily reaching for more tea cookies. Lina  
gestured to Zel.  
  
"Have some wine," she said pushing a cup in front of him.  
  
"Um...this is tea," Zelgadis said hesitantly, fearing her wrath.  
  
"The DorAmelia wouldn't let us have wine," Lina admitted. The aforementioned  
mouse looked up from the plate of butter where she had landed and immediately started  
speaking again, butter sliding down her nose.  
  
"Wine is evil, Lina-san! It tears at the very fabric of our well-ordered society  
founded on good will and true peace and love between all men, and even between some  
species of frog! To bring wine to the table would tear at the moral fiber of all that is  
righteous and just! To bring alcohol into our fine, upstanding party would--hey!" Lina  
picked the DorAmelia up by the tail and carefully deposited her into the teapot, shutting  
the lid.  
  
"That should hold her," Lina said smugly. Then a little voice came from inside the  
pot.  
  
"Lina-san! Placing someone in a teapot is completely, utterly wrong! In some  
societies it is considered an offense punishable by imprisonment or large monetary  
reimbursement to the offended party! It is the first sign of true evil! You are on the road  
to--" Lina opened the lid of the pot and tossed in a few sugar cubes, then closed it again.  
After a moment, the ranting stopped, only to be replaced by the blissful sound of a mouse  
licking up sugar.  
  
"Sugar?" The March Gourry offered Zel the butter plate.  
  
"Um, that's..." Zel stopped as the March Gourry shrugged.  
  
"None? That's okay, more for me!" Then the hare placed several pallets of butter  
into his tea, where they melted immediately.  
  
Lina sipped the last of her tea, then looked at her empty cup and, more  
importantly, at her empty plate.  
  
"Clean cups!" she cried. Immediately the March Gourry jumped to his feet and  
moved into Lina's seat, dragging Zel into the seat that the hare had once occupied. Lina  
was the only one who got the better of the deal, however, as her cup and plate had yet to  
be used.   
  
"What was the point of that?!" Zelgadis demanded.   
  
"So I have a clean cup, of course," laughed Lina, pouring herself another cup of  
tea. The DorAmelia, with sugar all over her face, came sliding out of the tea kettle and  
rested in Lina's cup.  
  
"Ew!" Lina threw the cup across the table, straight at Zel, who caught it. "Mouse  
fur!"  
  
Zelgadis glanced down at the DorAmelia, who was climbing out of the tea cup  
and looking in dismay at her stained white clothes. Immediately she began to lecture her  
clothes.  
  
"Being stained is a sign of uncleanness! No ally of justice can stand for such a  
hideous deed! Repent and clean yourselves using the fire of justice!"  
  
Zel sighed and glanced down at his half-filled tea cup. It looked normal enough,  
but he was taking no chances.  
  
"Don't you want any?" the March Gourry asked.  
  
"Um...I'm not thirsty," Zel lied.  
  
"More for us then!" The March Gourry grabbed Zel's cup, which had once been  
his own anyway, and drank the last of the tea, then started fighting Lina for the cookies  
again.  
  
"You're in my seat!" announced the DorAmelia, having left off lecturing her  
clothes and turning her attention to Zel once more.  
  
"But wasn't this seat--" The DorAmelia cut Zel off.  
  
"It was my seat first!" She posed. "Stealing someone's seat is totally, utterly,  
completely and wholly wrong! I will now smite you with the Hammer of Justice!" And  
she whacked him on the elbow with a teaspoon.  
  
"All right, that's it!" Zelgadis stood. Lina and the March Gourry turned to look at  
him in shock, though the DorAmelia simply continued to rant. "I've had enough of this  
insane tea party!"  
  
"But didn't you like it?" The March Gourry's lower lip trembled and his eyes got  
teary.  
  
"No!" Zelgadis exploded.  
  
"Oh. I'm sorry." The March Gourry smiled and returned to the cookies.  
  
"See ya, girlie!" Lina waved a hand at him as she, too, turned her undivided  
attention to the plate of cookies. Zelgadis rolled his eyes and headed away from the table.  
Behind him, he could still hear a small voice saying,  
  
"Standing up without being asked! That is morally and socially wrong! It is the  
seedy underbelly which is the bane of all that is good and pure in society! Beside that, it's  
rude! I shall--"  
  
Zelgadis was thankful when he got too far away to hear her. He was just rounding  
the corner back to the front of the house when he caught sight of a tree with a door in it.  
Curious, he opened the door and stepped inside.  
  
"Oh, hell!" Zelgadis swore.  
  
He was right back in the room where he had started.  
  
  
Next chapter, we get to the main event: the Queen's croquet match! Can Zelgadis play  
croquet? Probably not, but it should be interesting to watch him try. And the Cheshire  
Xellos returns for an encore performance. Interpret that as you will.  



	5. Part Five

Zel-Chan In Wonderland Part 5  
  
Disclaimer: You know the drill. No one's mine.  
  
  
Chapter 7 : Off With Her Head!  
  
  
The first thing Zel did upon realizing where he was look about warily for any  
bottles. A thorough search of the room showed that he was alone, so he raywinged up to  
the glass table and retrieved the key he had left there. Still seeing no one else around, he  
carefully flew over to the small door.  
  
"Please let this lead out of here," he murmured. "For the sake of my sanity if  
nothing else."  
  
He put the key in the lock and turned it. The little door opened and Zelgadis  
stepped out into the tiny garden. Slowly the chimera walked in between the flowers, until  
he heard sounds coming from nearby.  
  
"No, no, no! We already did that one!"  
  
"My mistake, Six-sama!"  
  
"Over here, Nine! We still need to fix this one!"  
  
Zelgadis peered around a tree and immediately felt his headache return. Oddly,  
though, he was also struck with the sudden urge to laugh. Zel decided that it had to be  
hysteria.  
  
Standing in front of him were three talking, walking cards : a six of hearts, a nine  
of diamonds, and an eight of spades. That in itself would have been odd enough, but the  
cards also had the faces of Gaav, Valgaav, and Saygram. Valgaav (the nine) and Saygram  
(eight) were painting what appeared to be a rose tree. Gaav, the six, was supervising.  
  
"Um....excuse me?" Zelgadis had no idea why he decided to go talk to them. He  
supposed that if he hadn't, they would have found him anyway. His luck just ran that  
way. "What are you doing?"  
  
"What the @#^%! does it look like we're doing?" Valgaav muttered, dipping a  
paintbrush into a can of red paint and turning to one of the white roses.  
  
"We're painting the roses red," Gaav said. He glared at Zelgadis. "And what are  
you doing here, little lady?"  
  
"I'm not a lady," Zelgadis muttered.  
  
"If you're a boy, you're awfully femme-looking," Saygram stated, touching up the  
last few petals of a rose.  
  
"He really does look female, doesn't he?" Gaav laughed. "So, Fem-Boy, you  
didn't answer my question."  
  
"You have a ponytail and I'm the feminine one?" Zelgadis growled.  
  
"Don't you dare insult Six-sama!" Val threatened, grabbing the front of Zel's  
dress.  
  
"You might not want to grab him there, Nine," Saygram mentioned, not looking at  
them. "If the Queen walked by, she might think you were fondling our guest."  
  
"Don't be disgusting!" Valgaav dropped Zel and rounded on Saygram.  
  
"Nine!" Gaav barked, and Valgaav froze. "Get your butt back to the tree!"  
  
"At once, Six-sama!" Val dashed back over to the tree and resumed painting.  
  
"Now, as for you," Gaav turned on Zelgadis, "get out of here before I make you  
get out."  
  
"No offense, but why exactly are you painting the roses?" Zelgadis wondered.   
"Bored of the original color?"  
  
"They were supposed to be red, but someone sent us the wrong tree," Valgaav  
reported from where he was painting. "@#$%& idiot probably doesn't know how much  
trouble he could be getting us into."  
  
"The Queen of Hearts will be very angry if she finds white roses," Saygram  
explained. "She's....fond of chopping off people's heads for no reason."  
  
"Oh." Zel's hand went reflexively to his throat and he quickly ran through a  
mental litany of his spells.  
  
"And she'll be chopping off our heads if you don't get back to work!" Gaav  
barked.  
  
"Yes, Six-sama!" the two minions said in unison and resumed painting with new  
vigor.  
  
Zelgadis was just about to leave when another voice rang out over the garden.  
  
"What do you think you're doing to my roses? Off with their heads!"  
  
The chimera turned to see a procession rounding the corner. In the lead were the  
guards, all cards with Mazoku heads. Zel recognized one as Tiiba, and another appeared  
to have the face of the fictitious Zoamelgustar. Followed by the guards were the courtiers,  
all chibi dragons save for the Filia rabbit who Zel noticed near the front. After them were  
various other figures. Zel thought he saw Lina and the March Gourry among them.  
Behind them came the Knave of Hearts, who appeared to be Rezo. Zel just barely  
managed to check his instinct to kill. The Knave of Hearts was carrying what appeared to  
be a ragged red hat on a soft velvet pillow. The reason for this became clear when the  
King and Queen of Hearts stepped forward. The King of Hearts was Zangulus,  
resplendent in the what must have been the world's most shabby red royal cloak.  
Hanging on his arm was the Queen of Hearts, Martina, in a red bikini and tights combo  
with a large golden crown on her head. As soon as she saw Zelgadis and the three  
painters, she unattached herself and strode towards them. The King wandered over to  
another tree, murmuring to himself,  
  
"I wonder if the March Gourry's here yet. He promised me a rematch."  
  
"Who are you?" Martina demanded, marching right up to Zel and poking him in  
the chest. "I didn't invite you! Off with her head! Off with her head!"  
  
"Aren't you overreacting a bit?" Zelgadis asked her, sweatdropping.  
  
"I'm the Queen! I don't overreact!" Martina proclaimed in a shrill voice.  
  
"She just overacts," muttered Valgaav from behind the chimera. The three cards  
snickered softly. Unfortunately, they weren't snickering soft enough.  
  
"What's so funny?!" Martina demanded. Her eyes found the rose tree. "Why are  
my roses covered in paint?" Her voice rose another pitch or two. "King honey! My roses  
are all messed up!"  
  
"Hmm?" Zangulus looked up from his scanning of the crowd. "What was that?  
Roses?"  
  
"Sweetie pie," whimpered Martina, clinging to the King's royal cape. "The nasty  
cards ruined my rose bush."  
  
"That's nice, dear," Zangulus told his queen. "You do what you want with them.  
Hey, is that the March Gourry over there? March Gourry! Fight me!" He wandered off  
towards the hare, while Martina turned to the cards with a demonic look of happiness on   
her face. She sucked in a breath, and everyone in the garden except for Zel and the   
gardeners covered their ears.  
  
"Off with their heads!" Martina shouted, making a grandiose gesture with her  
hands. Her voice was loud enough to deafen Zel for a minute or so, not that he found that  
a bad thing. The guards moved forward and apprehended the three gardeners.  
  
"Aw, shit!" grumbled Valgaav.  
  
"Shut up, Nine!" Saygram growled. "This is all your fault!"  
  
"It is not!"  
  
"Is so!"  
  
"Is not!"  
  
"It's both your faults," Gaav barked. "I hope you're happy with yourselves."  
  
"Gomen, Six-sama," the other two said in unison as they were led away. Zel  
stared after them.  
  
"As for you..." Martina turned her attentions to Zel. "Do you know how to play  
croquet?"  
  
"Uh...croquet?" Zelgadis had the distinct feeling that things were about to get  
weird again. Well, more weird than they already were.  
  
"We're having a croquet match today!" Martina waved a hand, and suddenly a big  
neon sign proclaiming 'The Queen of Hearts' Croquet Match' appeared out of nowhere.  
"Since you're here, you must play! Everyone else is playing, though, of course, I'll  
probably win!"  
  
"Fat chance!" called a voice from the crowd. Zel recognized Lina standing smugly  
by a tree. Martina stalked over to her.  
  
"Watch your tongue, minion!" Martina growled. "Or it'll be off with your head!"  
  
"Try me, Queenie!" Lina hissed.  
  
"Grr...let the match begin!" Martina produced a small book from her bikini.  
Where the book was hiding, Zel couldn't tell. "The winner will receive this shiny new  
abridged version of the Claire Bible!"  
  
As the rest of the group cheered, Zel sighed. He should have guessed.  
  
"All right," he muttered in defeat. "Let's play."  
  
The cards immediately began handing out croquet balls and croquet sticks. But,  
since Zelgadis was around so therefore nothing could be simple, the balls were actually  
hedgehogs and the sticks were flamingos. To make matters worse, Zel's pink flamingo  
seemed quite taken with him and immediately tried to kiss him. Even worse, said  
flamingo appeared to be male.  
  
"I'm not a girl!" Zelgadis growled at his flamingo, who ignored him and tried to  
kiss him again. "Stop that! Fireball!"  
  
With a very docile (and very nicely cooked) flamingo in his hands, Zelgadis  
attempted to hit one of the hedgehogs. The flamingo was just about to hit the hedgehog  
when the spiky creature sat up and began to lecture Zel.  
  
"Why are you trying to hit me? What did I ever do to you?" The hedgehog began  
to sniffle. "You're--you're a big meanie!" It began to cry. "I hate you!"  
  
"Stop that!" Zelgadis snapped. He snorted. "Baby."  
  
"You jerk!" The hedgehog kicked Zel in shins, which didn't hurt but did look a  
little ridiculous. "Take that! And that!"  
  
Zelgadis glared at the hedgehog, then tossed his flamingo aside and kicked the   
hedgehog. It sailed across the garden and rolled under one of the wickets.  
  
"Foul!" cried the Queen of Hearts, stamping a foot. "That didn't count!" She  
turned to her husband, who was engaged in a flamingo duel with the March Gourry.  
"Kingy, tell her that she doesn't get any points!"  
  
"Whatever you say, dear!" the king shouted back, not looking at her. He swung  
his flamingo at the March Gourry, who parried it with his own. "Ha! You have gotten  
even better, March Gourry! But my flamingo shall not lose!"   
  
For his part, Zelgadis was only a little annoyed that he hadn't gotten any points.  
For one thing, the wickets had been formed by the Queen's guards and occasionally  
tending to move whenever anyone except Martina got a hedgehog through them. For  
another, he had gotten a better look at Martina's Claire Bible, only to see that the cover  
read 'Claire Bible for Dummies.' Somehow, that didn't fill him with confidence as far as  
its authenticity was concerned. Even so, the chimera began hunting about for his flamingo  
again. The bird found him, however, and tried to kiss him again.  
  
"My, you're popular with the wildlife," said an annoying voice from behind him.  
  
"You!" Zelgadis growled, spotting the Cheshire Xellos hovering behind him. Or,  
more preciously, the head of the Cheshire Xellos hovering behind him. The rest of the cat  
was still invisible.  
  
"That's right! I've come to cheer you on....why are you doing that?" The Cheshire  
Xellos looked on in confusion as Zelgadis started banging his head against a tree.  
  
"You are exactly what I don't need right now," Zelgadis muttered, glaring at the  
cat.  
  
"So kind of you to say that," the Cheshire Xellos replied. "I see you lost a point."  
  
"Not like I care," Zel sniffed, crossing his arms.  
  
"So how do you like the Queen of Hearts?" the cat continued. "She's more  
feminine than you, don't you think?"  
  
"It's not difficult to be more feminine than me seeing as I'm a boy!" Zelgadis  
half-screamed. "And no, I don't like the Queen. She's almost as obnoxious as you."  
  
"What was that?!" Martina came stalking up behind him. "What did you say?"  
Her eyes found the floating cat. "Ack! What is that?"  
  
"An annoyance," Zelgadis replied curtly.  
  
"Stop smiling!" Martina ordered the Cheshire Xellos, who, since he had been told  
to stop, naturally smiled even wider than before. "I said, stop!" She rounded on Zelgadis.  
"Make it stop smiling!"  
  
"Ask the Duchess to," Zelgadis grumbled. "He's certainly not my cat."  
  
"The Duchess is in jail," Martina huffed. She turned to a guard. "Go bring me the  
Duchess!" As the guard rushed off, Martina turned back to the Cheshire Xellos, smiling  
smugly. "I'll show you. Off with his head!"  
  
The executioner, who had been sitting in a small field of daises playing with some  
bunnies, jumped to his feet and grabbed his ax. He eyed the floating head dubiously.  
  
"Um....my Queen? If it's just a head, how do I chop off it's head?"  
  
"I don't care how you do it! Just do it!" Martina stamped her feet and turned to  
Zelgadis. "Well? How do you chop off it's head?"  
  
"If you figure it out," Zelgadis replied darkly, "be sure to tell me." He stalked off   
to find his flamingo.  
  
Meanwhile, behind him, the Queen of Hearts proceeded to have a temper tantrum.  
The Cheshire Xellos watched Zelgadis go and kept smiling.  
  
  
In the next chapter, the Duchess returns and Zel faints from smoke inhalation.  
No, really.  
  



	6. Part Six

Zelgadis-Chan in Wonderland  
  
Disclaimer: Same as before.  
  
  
Chapter 8 : The Gryphiel  
  
By the time the guard had brought the Duchess up from her cell, the Cheshire  
Xellos had disappeared completely and Martina had turned her attention from him to  
Lina, who had scored several points while everyone else was distracted by the cat. She  
had the DorAmelia to vouch for her fairly won points, and since the DorAmelia found  
lying unjust, Martina had no choice but to award Lina her points. This put Lina in the  
lead, so Martina set about trying to overtake her. Zelgadis was fairly ignored as he tried to  
chase down his flamingo. The bird had decided that Zel was cheating on him with the  
Cheshire Xellos and was refusing to let the chimera touch him.  
  
"You stupid bird!" Zelgadis spat. "Well, be that way. I don't really care if I win or  
not." He prepared to stalk off the premises when Zangulus ran into him.  
  
"Not leaving already are you?" the King of Hearts asked. "And where's your  
flamingo? Those flamingos are far too valuable for you to just lose, you know! Now, go  
find it before my wife decides to take your head off."  
  
Zelgadis rolled his eyes but resumed trying to chase the flamingo anyway. He had  
just caught it and begun a rather enthusiastic ringing of its neck when the Duchess  
bumped into him. He knew her by the ever-present cigarette and the smoke which  
encircled her.  
  
"You don't mind if I borrow this, do you?" Without waiting for a reply, the  
Duchess grabbed Zel's flamingo and dealt a nearby hedgehog a blow which sent it sailing  
over the trees.  
  
"You can keep it," Zelgadis assured her, trying to walk away again. The Duchess,  
however, hooked an arm around his waist and stopped him.  
  
"Walk with me for a bit," she ordered. Zel found her grip surprisingly strong, and  
he had no choice but to follow her across the grounds. "The cat likes you, doesn't he?"  
  
"C--*cough* cat?" Zelgadis asked, distracted by the difficulty of trying to breath  
while surrounded by a smoke ring.  
  
"My Cheshire Xellos of course!" The Duchess took another puff on her cigarette  
and blew the smoke in Zel's face.  
  
"Oh, *cough* *cough* that. I was wondering *cough* how do you kill it?"  
Zelgadis hoped his tone sounded innocent enough.  
  
"Cut off its head of course!" laughed the Duchess. "Or is that how you kill a  
vampire? I get those two mixed up you know. It's the purple fur."  
  
Zelgadis had a scathing reply for that, but he couldn't say it as the smoke was  
making it difficult to breathe, let alone talk. The flamingo had already passed out.  
  
"It's really a very good cat," the Duchess went on to say. "Perfectly normal, as far  
as Cheshire Xelloses go. It chases the golden rabbit everyday and keeps her out of my  
garden. I grow tea bags, you know. Tea bags and tobacco and doggy treats for the  
wolves."  
  
Zelgadis, coughing uncontrollably, tried to pull away from her, but the Duchess   
held him in an unbreakable grip.  
  
"It's rude to walk away like that," the Duchess admonished him. She seemed  
completely unaffected by the smoke she was trailing. "Little girls really need to watch  
that sort of thing. That reminds me, what did you do with my baby? Not that it matters of  
course, I can always get another one. Are you all right? You're being awfully quiet."  
  
Zelgadis was, in fact, being quite loud as he continued to hack. The Duchess  
muttered something under her breath which Zelgadis missed, as he was too busy  
attempting to breathe. Finally, he gave up and collapsed to the ground. The Duchess  
stared at his prone form in surprise.  
  
"My my. It's bad manners to faint without permission."  
  
When Zelgadis woke up, he was relieved to have clean air filling his lungs.  
  
"Are you all right?" asked a solicitous female voice. Zelgadis looked up to see  
Sylphiel staring down at him. Closer inspection showed that assumption wrong, however.  
The creature had Sylphiel's face, but it's body was that of a gryphon.  
  
"The Duchess is really very not sorry that she made you faint," the creature said  
earnestly. "The gold rabbit brought you over to me for a healing spell. I am the Gryphiel.  
Nice to meet you, Miss..?"  
  
"Zelgadis, and I'm a boy!" Zel snapped, sitting up.  
  
"That's an awfully long name, Miss Zelgadis And I'm A Boy," the Gryphiel said.  
"May I just call you Zel-chan?"  
  
"No!" Zel growled.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry, I'm being too familiar," the Gryphiel said, flustered. "I just  
thought you might like comfort from a fellow girl....um, you really shouldn't do that."  
Once more, Zelgadis was banging his head on the nearest tree.  
  
"Um...do you need another healing spell?" the Gryphiel questioned when Zel was  
finished. "You don't look too well. And--oh dear! It appears you have a rip in your dress.  
Just let me get my sewing kit and I'll fix it..."  
  
"Hands off the dress!" Zelgadis barked, and the Gryphiel backed up.  
  
"I'm sorry," she said contritely. "I didn't know you were so modest."  
  
"I'm not modest," Zelgadis grumbled petulantly.  
  
"I'm sorry," the Gryphiel said again, for lack of anything better to say. "Are...are  
you okay, then? You seem to be developing a twitch above one of your eyes..."  
  
"I'm fine!" Zelgadis turned pointedly away from her.  
  
"That's good," the Gryphiel said. She looked thoughtful for a moment, then  
asked, "Um, by any chance, did you see the March Gourry while you were playing  
croquet?"   
  
"Yes," Zel said before it could occur to him that he might have been better off  
staying silent.   
  
"You did?!" The Gryphiel squealed and got to her feet. Grabbing Zel's hand, she  
ran off towards where the match was being held, dragging him with her. "March Gourry-  
sama!"  
  
The two rushed out onto the site of the tournament just as Lina was scoring the  
winning point. As the Gryphiel dropped Zel and glomped the March Gourry, Lina struck  
a victory pose and stuck her tongue out at Martina.  
  
"Ha! I win!" Lina did a little dance.  
  
"No fair! No fair!" Martina stomped her feet and threw her flamingo to the  
ground. Pointing at it, she ordered, "Off with its head!"  
  
The executioner rushed forward eagerly. Zelgadis, and everybody else, looked  
away while the bird was beheaded and hauled away.   
  
"I feel much better now," Martina proclaimed. She struck a pose. "Now, for a  
rematch, Lina!"  
  
"I agree!" Zangulus said, striking a similar pose. "A rematch, March Gourry!"  
  
The March Gourry ignored the King of Hearts, as the hare was too busy trying to  
pry an over-enthusiastic Gryphiel off of him. She currently had him pinned to the ground  
and was turning him around and around as she looked for injuries.  
  
"Um....can I go yet?" Zelgadis ventured.  
  
"Not yet!" the Queen of Hearts snapped. "First we must have the ceremonial Post-  
Game Tarts (tm) ! I cooked them myself."  
  
Everyone turned to the banquet table where a large silver platter stood.  
Reverently, the Knave of Hearts removed the lid.  
  
There was nothing under it. Not even the table; under the lid there was only a  
black void.  
  
"Those don't look too tasty," Lina said confidentially to the March Gourry. For  
her part, the Queen of Hearts looked ready to blow.  
  
"SOMEBODY STOLE MY TARTS!" she yelled at the top of her lungs,  
showering Zelgadis with spit. "Off with their head! Off with their head!"  
  
Zelgadis sighed heavily and began to wring the spit out of his dress.  
  
In the next chapter, things get even worse as the trial begins. All remaining  
sanity in this fic is shot to hell.  



	7. Part Seven

Zelgadis-chan in Wonderland  
  
Disclaimer: Wash, rinse, repeat.  
  
  
Chapter 9 : The Case of the Missing Tarts   
  
"Order in the court!" Zangulus banged his gavel on the judge's bench. The court  
had moved inside, where they were having a trial to determine who had stolen the tarts.  
Popular sentiment decided that it was either Lina, for obvious reasons, or the Knave of  
Hearts, since the rhyme said it was him. Zelgadis was pretty much in agreement with both  
camps, though personally he was hoping that the court would convict the Knave of  
Hearts. Zel really wanted to see Rezo beheaded, since that would cheer him up nicely.  
  
"Jury, are you ready to hear the case?" Zangulus turned to the jury box. The King  
of Hearts was wearing a white judge's wig with his hat on top of it and looked quite  
ridiculous. The jury box was full of chibi black and gold dragons, talking amongst  
themselves. The Queen of Hearts was sitting on the King's lap and blowing in his ear.  
  
"Ready!" the group called out in unison. Zangulus nodded to the Filia rabbit, who  
was standing beside the judge's bench. She pulled a scroll out of nowhere and read the  
first name.  
  
"This court calls Lina to the stand!"  
  
Martina stuck her tongue out at the red-head as the sorceress walked to the  
witness stand and sat down. The DorAmelia came up to her, pulling a cake platter with  
her. She held the platter up to Lina.  
  
"Do you swear?" the mouse asked importantly.  
  
"Sure," Lina replied, placing her hand on the platter and searching for crumbs.  
  
"Lina-san! Swearing is unjust!" The DorAmelia pulled the platter away and began   
to lecture. "It is the black stain with creeps over our civilization, threatening to suck all  
the goodness out of our souls! It is the--"  
  
"Shut up already and get on with it!" Martina yelled impatiently.  
  
"Ahem." The Filia rabbit pushed the DorAmelia aside and turned to Lina. "Lina-  
san. Where were you three hours ago?"  
  
"Closer than three million miles away and farther than two centimeters away,"  
Lina replied calmly. Filia and the jury all scribbled this answer down.  
  
"Very good. Did you steal the Queen's tarts?"  
  
"Am I under oath?" There was a brief recess while the court tried to figure out the  
answer to this question. When they finally started again, the Filia rabbit replied,  
  
"Yes you are."  
  
"Then no."  
  
Zelgadis sighed and fidgeted in his seat. The way this court was going, he'd be  
stuck in this crazy world forever.  
  
"Do you have any evidence?" the Filia rabbit continued.  
  
"Evidence of what?" Lina asked.  
  
"Um..." The Filia rabbit looked over at Zangulus. "Evidence of what?"  
  
"Hmm?" Zangulus looked up in confusion. Martina was now situated very  
comfortably in his lap and they had been locked in a passionate kiss.  
  
"The trial, Your Majesties," the Filia rabbit reminded the two gently.  
  
"Oh that," said Martina irritably. She waved a hand at Lina. "Off with her head."  
  
"Hold it!" Lina stood up abruptly. "I haven't been given due process!"  
  
"Due process of what?" questioned Milgasia from the jury box.   
  
"Due process of whom?" added another chibi dragon.  
  
"Why is the sky green?" put in one more dragon, just to say something. The other  
members of the jury reminded him that the sky was blue and he promptly withdrew his  
question.  
  
"We're going to be here forever, aren't we?" Zelgadis grumbled to the  
DorAmelia, who had settled herself in beside him. She immediately put the question to  
the court, who adjourned again to try and figure out the answer. After a few well-placed  
fireballs from a certain annoyed chimera, the court began anew with the questioning of  
Lina.  
  
"Now," the Filia rabbit said importantly, "did you steal the Queen's tarts?"  
  
"No," Lina replied.  
  
"Oh. Okay then. You may go." The Filia rabbit gestured for Lina to leave and  
Zelgadis sweatdropped.  
  
"Why didn't she just ask that question first?" Zelgadis muttered, knocking the  
DorAmelia on the head to keep her from stopping the court again while they tried to  
answer his question.  
  
Filia rolled out her scroll once more.  
  
"The court calls to the stand the Knave of Hearts!" she announced. Rezo walked  
over to the witness chair and sat down. Since the DorAmelia was still unconscious, the  
Gryphiel brought him the cake platter.  
  
"Do you swear?" she questioned.  
  
"Yes," replied Rezo. "Though I won't say what I'm swearing to."  
  
Everyone agreed that this was a perfectly acceptable answer, so the court  
proceeded.  
  
"Knave-san," the Filia rabbit said. "How do you explain the presence of this  
poem? Ahem.  
  
`The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts,  
  
All on a summer day:  
  
The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts,  
  
And took them quite away!'"  
  
"It's a very nice poem," the Knave told her.   
  
"But is it true?" prompted the rabbit.  
  
"Maybe," Rezo said, shrugging. "Or maybe not. I'm not very good at riddles, you  
know."  
  
"Knave-san, did you steal the tarts?" the Filia rabbit continued.  
  
"I suppose I could've," the Knave admitted.  
  
"OFF WITH HIS HEAD!" Everyone turned to see Zelgadis standing up and  
pointing at the Knave. When the chimera realized that everyone was staring at him, he  
blushed and sat back down.  
  
"What was that about?" the March Gourry asked him.  
  
"Leave me alone," Zel grumbled.  
  
"Well, do you have any evidence?" The Filia rabbit refused to let Zel's outburst  
get in the way of her court.   
  
"I thought I had some in my pocket," the Knave replied. "But I think it fell out  
during croquet. Perhaps the flamingo ate it."  
  
The jury paused to discuss whether or not it might be prudent to bring the  
flamingo in for questioning and, if they did, it might be important to know if it was a pink  
flamingo or a purple one. The question of why the color might be important was brought  
up and immediately referred to a separate committee.  
  
While the jury was talking, the Filia rabbit let the Knave go and unrolled her  
scroll again.  
  
"I call to the stand Zelgadis Graywords!"  
  
In the final chapter of this fic, Zelgadis is put on the witness stand. Expect mass  
property damage.  
  



	8. Part Eight

Zelgadis-chan in Wonderland  
  
  
Disclaimer: Second verse, same as the first.  
  
Author's Notes: Yay! Last chapter! I'm done, done I say! Mwhahaha!  
  
  
Chapter 10 : Who is Miranda Rights, and Why Do All the Policemen Know Her?  
  
  
"Huh?" Zelgadis sat up straight upon hearing his name. "Me?"  
  
"No, the guy next to you," Lina said sarcastically. "Of course you!" She gave him  
a shove towards the witness stand.  
  
"But--but I don't know anything!" Zel protested.  
  
"I'll say," muttered Lina.  
  
"The witness will come to the stand!" Filia stomped her foot impatiently. "Hurry  
it up! We have other things to do, you know!"  
  
"I'm sure," Zel grumbled, rolling his eyes. Nevertheless, he sat down in the  
witness chair, crossing his legs modestly.  
  
"How ladylike!" murmured Milgasia, and the rest of the jurors agreed.  
  
"Fireball!" Zelgadis, face burning in anger, launched a fireball at the jury box,   
scattering the dragons everywhere.  
  
"That was uncalled for!" moaned one little dragon from under a chair where he  
was hiding. The other jurors muttered their agreement.  
  
"Shut up!" Zelgadis snapped. The rest of the mumbling subsided and the  
DorAmelia walked up to Zelgadis with the platter.  
  
"Do you--"   
  
"We get it already!" Martina shouted in annoyance, her arms wrapped around the  
blushing King's neck. "Proceed."  
  
"Phooey." The DorAmelia went dejectedly back to her seat. The Filia rabbit  
turned to Zelgadis.  
  
"Please deliver your evidence," she said.  
  
"I--I don't have any," Zelgadis informed her. He crossed his arms in annoyance.  
"This is ridiculous."  
  
"Do you want that on the record?" The Gryphiel, who was now serving as  
recorder, turned to the Queen of Hearts.  
  
"Write that down," the Queen affirmed. "We don't want to forget that this is  
ridiculous." Then she turned her attention to giving Zangulus a tonsillectomy. Zelgadis  
sweatdropped and looked away, blushing madly.  
  
"You must have evidence," the Filia rabbit stated. "Everyone has some. Now  
when did you last see the tarts?"  
  
"I never saw them," Zelgadis said.  
  
"Did you eat them with your eyes closed then?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Aha! Then you did eat them?" The Filia rabbit raised her scroll triumphantly.  
  
"I--That's not what I meant!" Zelgadis huffed. "I don't know anything about the  
stupid tarts."  
  
"What about the smart ones?"  
  
"Excuse me?"   
  
"If you didn't eat the stupid tarts, then you must have eaten the smart ones, yes?"  
The Filia rabbit smiled triumphantly.  
  
"I didn't eat any damn tarts!" Zelgadis growled. "I didn't even know that there  
were any!"  
  
"Then you ate the tarts without knowing what they were!" the Filia rabbit  
declared.  
  
"I didn't eat anything!" Zelgadis hissed.  
  
"We have evidence against that." The Filia rabbit reached into the pocket of her  
robes and pulled out a bottle. Zelgadis groaned and looked for something to start banging  
his head on.  
  
"She ate some cake!" the bottle said in a familiar voice. "I saw her! She was quite  
the pig, let me tell you! And she drank me!"  
  
The entire court recoiled in horror. Immediately everyone began whispering  
amongst themselves. Zelgadis contented himself in giving the entire court a Glare of  
Death.  
  
"And there's more!" The Filia rabbit whistled, and Naga the White Caterpillar  
came slinking up.  
  
"Ohohohoho!" Naga laughed, and everyone covered their ears. "That's the little   
flat-chested girl! She ate some mushroom! Ohohohoho!"  
  
"There, you see?" Filia turned to the rest of the courtroom. "This girl is a  
confirmed glutton! Look at all she's eaten! No doubt the Queen's tarts were too tasty a  
treat to pass up!"  
  
"Now wait just a minute!" Zelgadis shouted, jumping to his feet and grabbing the  
Filia rabbit by the collar. "Listen to me. One, I haven't eaten a thing since the bloody  
mushroom, and I don't plan to. Two, I am not on trial here. And three, I am not, nor have  
I ever been, a girl!"  
  
"A crossdresser!" stated Filia, raising one hand. "Surely such a disturbed  
individual could easily stoop to stealing precious tarts which do not belong to him!"  
  
"What is wrong with you people?!" Zelgadis dropped Filia on her head. Power  
began to gather in his hands. "I am sick of being called rude. I am sick of being accused  
of doing things I didn't do. I am sick of being forced to ingest strange substances and  
being made to play absurd games. And, most of all, I am sick of being called a girl! RA  
TILT!"  
  
When the smoke cleared, the courtroom was in shambles and only Zelgadis was  
still standing. He was breathing heavily and growling. From the rubble, the Queen of  
Hearts stirred.  
  
"*Cough* Off with his head."  
  
"Temper, temper." The Cheshire Xellos appeared in front of Zel's face, wagging a  
finger.  
  
"You!" Zelgadis hissed. "Go away and leave me alone!"  
  
"But I love you too much to do that!" the Cheshire Xellos squealed. "You're so  
much fun!"  
  
"I'll show you fun." Zelgadis reached over and managed to grab the cat by its  
neck. "Tell me how to get home before I strangle you."  
  
"You don't need to be so rude about it," the cat sniffed. "It's very simple for you  
to get home. Just....wake up!"  
  
Zelgadis was about to say something else when something hit him on the back of  
the head. He fell to the ground, unconscious.  
  
  
Chapter 11 : Good Morning, Sunshine  
  
  
"Zelgadis-san! Zelgadis-san, are you awake?" The chimera blinked his eyes in  
confusion as he sat up. Taking in his surroundings, he saw that he was back at the inn.  
Amelia was knocking on the door and calling to him.  
  
"Ugh..." Zel rubbed his head. "Was--was that all just a dream?" He sighed. "That  
is the last time I let Lina talk me into eating sashimi before bedtime."  
  
"Zelgadis-san! Are you in there?" Amelia's voice was turning worried.  
  
"I'm here, I'm here," Zel assured her, getting to his feet. "Come in."  
  
"Zelgadis-san, Lina-san says to--" Amelia bounded into the room and stopped  
dead. "Um...Zelgadis-san?!"  
  
"What?" Zelgadis noticed her staring wide-eyed at him. "What is it?"  
  
Amelia pointed at him mutely. Zelgadis looked down....to see the skirt of the   
pretty blue dress he was wearing, as well as nice white socks and black shoes. His face  
blazed red.  
  
"What's wrong? Xellos phased in behind him, smiling widely. "I thought that blue  
would bring out your eyes."  
  
Zelgadis turned to look at the fruitcake, his eyes burning with anger.  
  
"XELLOS! I'M GOING TO GUT YOU, I SWEAR!"  
  
  
  
And thus, the insanity ends. Maybe sometime when I'm in a weird mood I'll write a sequel   
using Through the Looking Glass...or not. Zel's refused to appear in any more of my fics   
if I put him in a dress again, so I'll have to wear him down first.   



End file.
